Saturday, May 31, 2008

As Nature Abhors a Vaccuum, so doth the Universe Abhor my Dignity

You may now find me hiding under my bed while I wait answer from the Witness Protection Program to see if they'll give me a new identity even though I haven't witnessed anything because this one? Is dangerous to my sanity.

Let's begin with this morning.

After much drama, we finally had Verizon install the FIOS today (the install still isn't complete because the order is screwed up AGAIN and can't be fixed til Monday but I now have TV and 'net. OMG. I already love FIOS).

My husband has been without tv and internet for a week and a half and its gotten on my last working nerve. the technician was scheduled to arrive at 8:00 because a certain husband thought that would be best. Never mind the fact that all of us were up frequently in the night and Short stuff normally gets up and eats breakfast at 8:00.

The house? Wrecked. WRECKED to the 15th power of OH SH*T. I get up and start zooming around performing the Dance of the Unfortunate Wife, speed-cleaning lest I suffer great embarrassment. I had been cleaning last night but didn't finish and our bedroom and my husband's office were the worst of the freaking lot, not helped by our being out of town and his frequent trips to work on his house. Stuff was flung everywhere like it was poo and this was the Monkey House at the National Zoo.

And so despite my pleading, husband forgets to do any kind of sweep. And then the guy arrives, woefully promptly, and I have not had a chance to fully restore the bedroom to presentable order when the tech arrives and i have to show him where the tvs are. I apologized pathetically for the mess.

But. It gets worse.

I fail to notice until AFTERWARD that there is two crumpled wrappers on the bureau in front of the TV. Two crumpled personal-type wrappers. REALLY personal. As in... prevention-of-siblings-for-Short Stuff kind of personal. My brain promptly short-circuited from mortification.


(worse, those were not um... recent. Are you kidding? We're parents of a toddler. Given the choice between intimacy and sleep? Puhleeeeeese.)

I confront my husband furiously and he giggles like an idiot and says "Oh yeah, i found those behind my nightstand.''

Ever hear of a TRASHCAN, butthead???

After husband and child head off to Grandma's house for the weekend and internet and TV is restored, I head out to do my errands. Some of these errands took me back to the Land of the Big Red Dot.

Idiot pre-adolescent girls were apparently playing VOLLEYBALL in the aisle. And they MISSED. Well, sort of. They nailed me smack in the back of the skull. My inner curmudgeon erupted.

Let me just say that it doth not take a village to scare the living lights out of 3 foolish girls. It only takes One Angry Gerbil, who can do a fairly accurate imitation of Krakatoa when a volleyball is unexpectedly applied to her coconut.

But wait.

So now I'm heading home in a torrential rainstorm. Visibility has been reduced to "Are you joking??" and I'm heading carefully at reduced speeds. However, I have my window cracked because my stomach is feeling slightly touchy and something about having the window open keeps it from getting worse.

Except that an extremely large SUV came barrelling past on the left, and hit some standing water, sending up an impressive rooster tail of storm water.

Which flooded into my open window and hit me full in the head and neck and drenched me but good.

I give up. I think I'm going back to bed now, before I'm attacked by a mob of squirrels on a sugar rush, or something.


Magi said...

Wow, that was just wrong on so many levels. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Real Life in South Carolina said...

Some days I think we should just give up, spare ourselves the pain of living, and stay in bed until the next morning!

frannie said...

now, THAT is a bad day!

Reluctant Housewife said...

I clean like that too - It's amazing how quickly things get messy... I'm sure your cable guy's seen worse. He's probably seen EVERYTHING.

The other day I decided to get a car wash... Pulled up to the place, entered the code from my receipt to make it work, drove forward when instructed to... but I forgot to close my window! My entire left side was doused. I don't think I've closed a window that fast in my life...

Anonymous said...

I know this if off topic but I'm looking into starting my own blog and was curious what all is

required to get set up? I'm assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny?

I'm not very

internet savvy so I'm not 100% certain. Any suggestions or advice

would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks
Stop by my web blog oviedo spain tripadvisor

Anonymous said...

Thanks , I've recently been looking for information about this

subject for ages and yours is the greatest I have discovered so far. But, what about the

conclusion? Are you sure about the source?
My web site Fishingspain.Net

Anonymous said...

hello there and thank you on your info - I’ve

certainly picked up anything new from proper here. I did then

again experience several technical issues the usage of

this web site, as I experienced to reload the web site a lot of occasions prior to I could get it to load properly.


were considering in case

your web host is OK? Not that I'm complaining, but

slow loading instances occasions will often impact your placement in google and could damage your quality ranking if ads and ***********
My page ... interest rates for mortgages

Anonymous said...

Hey! This post couldn't be written any better!

Reading this post reminds me of my previous room mate! He always kept chatting

about this. I will forward this post to him. Fairly certain he will have a good read.

Thanks for sharing!
Stop by my webpage dvd decrypter shut down

Anonymous said...

Thanks for another excellent

article. The place else could anyone get that type of info

in such a perfect manner of writing? I've a presentation next

week, and I'm at the search for such information.
My weblog : businesses for sale costa blanca north

Anonymous said...

Hey There. I found your blog using msn. This is an extremely well written article.

be sure to bookmark it and return to read more of your useful information.
Thanks for the

post. I’ll certainly comeback.
Feel free to visit my webpage ...

Anonymous said...

It’s actually a cool and useful piece of info.
I’m glad that you simply shared this helpful information with us.
Please keep

us informed like this. Thank you for sharing.
Feel free to surf my weblog ...

Anonymous said...

excellent publish, very informative. I'm wondering why the other experts of this sector don't realize this.

You must proceed your writing. I am confident, you have a great readers'

base already!
My site: 10-day weather benalmadena costa

Anonymous said...

Well I truly liked reading it. This information offered by you is very useful for correct planning.
Look at my website - 10 day weather forecast fuengirola costa del sol

Anonymous said...

I have been examinating out many of your stories and i can claim pretty good stuff.
I will surely bookmark your site.
Feel free to visit my webpage ; 4 and 5 star hotels in madrid

Anonymous said...

Somebody essentially help to make seriously posts I would
state. This is the very

first time I frequented your website page and thus far?
I amazed with the research you made to

create this particular publish extraordinary. Wonderful

my website -

Anonymous said...

I will immediately grab your rss as I can not find your email subscription

link or e-newsletter service. Do you've any? Kindly let me know in order that I

could subscribe. Thanks.
my webpage >

Anonymous said...

Very nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I've

truly enjoyed browsing your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing to your

rss feed and I hope you write again soon!
Also see my webpage:

Anonymous said...

When I originally commented I clicked the "Notify me when new comments are added" checkbox
and now each time a

comment is added I get several e-mails with the same comment.

Is there any way you can remove me from that service? Thanks!
my web page ::

Anonymous said...

I've been surfing online more than 3 hours today, yet I never found any interesting article

like yours. It is pretty worth enough for me. In my view, if all site

owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the net will be much more useful than ever before.
Look into my web-site ;

Anonymous said...

you will have an ideal weblog right

here! would you like to make some invite posts on my weblog?
my webpage -

Anonymous said...

Hi there would you mind sharing which blog platform you're working with?

I'm looking to start my own blog soon but I'm having a difficult time

deciding between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and Drupal. The reason I ask is

because your design seems different then most blogs and I'm looking for something completely

unique. P.S Sorry for being off-topic but I
had to ask!
Feel free to visit my webpage ;

Anonymous said...

Hi there this is somewhat of off topic but I was

wanting to know if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML.
I'm starting a blog soon but have

no coding skills so I wanted to get advice from someone with

experience. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

Visit my blog post

Anonymous said...

Hello! Someone in my Facebook group shared this website with us so I

came to give it a look. I'm definitely enjoying the information. I'm

bookmarking and will be tweeting this to my followers! Outstanding blog and great


Stop by my web-site ...

Anonymous said...

Hi are using Wordpress for your site platform?
I'm new to the

blog world but I'm trying to get started and set up my own.

Do you require any coding

knowledge to make your own blog? Any help would be really appreciated!

Feel free to surf to my blog post :: working-in-spain-legally

Anonymous said...

Aw, this was a very nice post. In idea I wish to put in writing

like this additionally - taking time and precise effort to make a very good article…

however what can I say… I procrastinate alot and on no
account seem to get one thing done.

Feel free to surf to my blog post;

Anonymous said...

That is a very good tip particularly to those new to the
blogosphere. Brief but very precise information… Thank you for sharing this one.

A must read post!

my web site -