Thursday, March 29, 2007

10 lbs of crazy in a 5 lb bag

Dear heaven. My house hosts more drama than sweeps week on the daytime soaps.

The teenager is currently at his father's house, claiming to all that I have thrown his poor misunderstood self out of the house. Suuurrrre.

The short story is... I found out that he has pretty much skipped THREE ENTIRE WEEKS of classes. Three weeks, people. He was going to school... just didn't go to class once he got there. And then he flat-out lied to my face about it, even when faced with the hard evidence. So then when he figured out that I had him dead-bang... he got belligerent and cocky.

(note to self... figure out how to go back in time, find self as 17 year old, SLAP self and then go apologize to mother for ever being a teenager. Again.)

He got reeeeeeeeeeal cocky. Went-too-far cocky, in fact, and I hauled him up short. That apparently twisted his little pickle and he decided that he would rather live at his father's. And he called his father and told them that I was a crazy bitch and I was throwing him out. And then he threw some clothes in a bag & whaddya know. I drove him over there, hearing all the while what a crazy bitch I was. Also lazy. Also, I am a terrible mother. And did I know I was a crazy bitch?? Because I am a crazy effing bitch.

(Everybody SING!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh gerbson's mom is a bitch, she's a great big bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, on Monday she's a... yeah anyway.)


This? This is why some animals eat their young.

Which reminds me. The night before all the Crazy started happening, I went over to mom's to have coffee. She has a bunch of cats, and the grey tabby, Oblio, is becoming quite the social animal now that the old bully cat is gone. Soooo friendly. He leaped straight into my lap and started rubbing against my face and my neck and my shoulders and Oh! Wasn't this cat happy to see me????

And then. And then. HE BIT MY BOOB. Kind of like honk!! rather than a serious chomp. But still! He bit my boob!!! And there was CAT SPIT on my shirt.

And my mother thought that it was absolutely hysterical and has been telling all the friends and relations. Seriously. I can't even get respect from a neutered CAT. I need to just hang it up.


velocibadgergirl said...'s hard to stay properly grim about gerbson's asshattery when you're making me laugh hysterically about getting a spittle-laced boob honk from a cat.

velocibadgergirl said...

PS You already KNOW I get no respect from my neutered male cat, so don't feel bad. :P

Gerbil said...

Yeah well, whaddya gonna do. In my house, nothing says on the same track for longer than one of my average thought patterns. Sheeesh.

canape said...

I know! I want to be sympathetic and indignant about the ridiculous drama of the 17 year old, but instead I'm sitting here laughing my tookus off at the cat biting your boob.

Is there a drama filled conversation with Gerbson's dad???

Gerbil said...

no way, man, NO WAY. I was NOT going in THAT house, nooooo. Tp say that he dislikes me with the the fire of a thousand blazing suns doused with napalm and Tabasco would be an understatement. To the tenth power.

velocibadgergirl said...

I'm hoping peace will return to the GerbRealm soon. What are the odds, do you think?

That Chick Over There said...

Oh Lord. Oh LORD woman. Even in the fact of adversity you still crack my stuff up.

Robbin said...

I am in agreement with the comedian who says that bees have the right idea. If we could only seal our adolescent young up in their room with a five year supply of cheeseburgers and tell them to come back out when they have a JOB!

Kimberly said...

Good heavens.

I'm suddenly afraid. Very afraid.

Both of my girls becoming teenagers and...of cats.

You poor must be completely wiped out exhausted.

Catwoman said...

Like everyone else, I sympathized with you and felt so bad about the issues with your son.

And then you made me spittle all over my boobs.

Damn you woman for being so funny.

But I'm going to go with your alibi and tell everyone your mom's cat bit me.

my4kids said...

Wow I am so sorry to hear about what happened with your son... I don't even know what to say. I am seriously afraid of my boys turning into teens soon. Can't we just stop time???

Oh and the cat biting the boob. I'm sorry but that is pretty funny.
My cat Milo the other day decided to cuddle up with me when I was still in bed doing the purring thing he curled up real close to my face and bit my lips! Didn't feel so good but hubby thought it was hysterical also. Cats........