Monday, April 30, 2007

I wanna thank you Lord... for the poop

Now I remember why I did not move out of that townhouse years earlier... moving is a royal pain in every single part.

As you can imagine from my long hiatus, things did not go quite as smoothly as originally hoped. It started when Verizon cheerfully informs me that my internet connection will take a whopping three weeks to set up.

Things just sort of mushroomed from there. I think the incident that really captures the essence of the experience was the oven. Now, I was SO excited to have a double oven in my new kitchen. DOUBLE OVEN, people! For someone who engages in The Grand Bake every year, resulting in hundreds of dozens of assorted cookies, this was like winning the lottery. Ok, maybe not but you get the idea.

Anyway. We'd been eating takeout every night for a week while we dutifully schlepped stuff across town. (My original intention of unpacking as we went fell by the wayside. Or perhaps its now buried in the dining room under Mt. St. Oh-Crap-We-Have-Too-Much-Stuff) But finally, my body cried for mercy. I had to have REAL FOOD. And it was excitement that I planned out my first real meal in the new place. I put two potatoes in the upper oven to bake at 350.

350. This is key. NOT 859. Not 1587. 350.

So after a bit, I headed back toward the kitchen to finish prepping the rest of the meal when a suspicious noise stopped me in my tracks. Jacob was looking a little desperate, and well he might! He did have banana/plum/grape for lunch and the plums and the grapes, they were doing their job. My son... he reeked.

I picked up the squirming baby and headed upstairs to his room where the trusty Diaper Genie awaited. And man... it was bad. A thirteen-wiper!! As I was finishing up the sordid details, I hear a deep, loud BOOM!!!!! At first, I thought something had fallen over. I deposit Jacob in the family room to play while I investigate.

IT WAS MY OVEN. The glass door was... well... it looked like it had gone ten rounds with Tyson, Holyfield AND Sugar Ray. All armed with sledgehammers. There is powdered, splintered glass everywhere and as I gape, the oven door eeeeeeeeaaaaased open and KERASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelion splintered little glass pieces rains down on the stovetop. And the floor. And the counter.

I was stunned speechless. My double oven had not even survived a WEEK. I will of course be getting a new oven but the whole thing just completely freaked me out. But for one crappy diaper, I would have been standing at the stove when it went all Krakatoa on me.

I told you God had a sense of humor. God indeed saw fit not to vaporize my sorry ass with the oven door, but He fixes it so I owe a debt of gratitude to the lowliest function of human biology.

And that pretty well sums up the last 10 days so far.

10 comments:

Catwoman said...

I've wanted a double oven for years too. Now I'm thinking, not so much. I can eat my potatoes raw, thank you very much.

Glad you were saved by poop! I will never curse at my toddler's poop again.

frannie said...

oh my goodness! thank God for poop is right. that is crazy! I can't believe that happened!

M said...

OMG Gerb this is terrifying! I'm so glad you're all okay! What an awful awful situation had you been IN the room. I shutter to think. *hug hug and half a hug extra*

Steff said...

Your @$$ was saved by poop?? That's a new one! I'm glad you're okay, though!! :)

velocibadgergirl said...

I'm still horrified that you came so close to a terrible injury, but MAN can you tell a story. I am laughing my ass off over here!

my4kids said...

Oh my! We are getting ready to move to and I am so not looking forward to that. We have a 5 day drive to get there and I just cannot imagine eating out for that long!
Saved by poop, huh?? I'm guessing this will be the only time you are praising God for a 13 wiper! I am so glad you didn't get hurt though! Well except maybe your sense of smell from a 13 wiper though.

mainemomof4 said...

I have to admit, you are a lot more patient than me! We had a "crappy" past few days. I only went with 6 wipes, then got frustrated and threw my little one in the shower! I'm glad you were busy with the baby instead of cooking supper!

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Glad you are OK. What a terrifying experience!

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Holy Crap!



Glad you are okay.

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