Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Something There Is That Doesn't Love a Gerbil....

All apologies to Mr. Frost.

They've been talking for days about the Significant Precipitation we were definitely, absolutely, without any doubt gonna get... Anyone familiar with the DC area knows that "significant" generally means anything more than a 1/4 inch and all stores run smack out of bread, milk, eggs and toilet paper.

I mean really. Do people crap more when it snows????

Anyway. the storm went north so we got an assload of sleet and freezing rain and this morning LOOKED pretty but was in fact a cold, nasty bitch. (Hmm. Sounds like some people I have met in life...)

I was scheduled for a 10am CT scan for this issue I've been having with my gut, so I had to leave the house by 8am. My Camry really doesn't like snow & ice much, to my chagrin. LoveloveLOVE my Camry, but I wasn't looking forward to the drive. Someone had actually plowed our court, giving me a false sense of hope... it still took me 20 minutes to dig & rock the car out of my space. (you know... reverse/drive/reverse/drive) and I get to the end of the street to discover the main street out of the development hasn't even been SANDED.

kuh-RAP on crackers. I gird my loins and goose the gas pedal. This hill is known for being a stone bitch near the top - if you don't have enough momentum, you start sliding backwards and please don't be an idiot and STOP.

I get to the critical part of the street and some fucking moron let his stupid collie out to run in the 4 inches of ice.... that dog is hauling its shaggy ass as fast as it can go. I have just enough time to see it coming and then the dumbass dog runs straight out in front of me. I cannot stop. "Oh shhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiti'mgonnahitthismuthereffinDOG"
And I laid on the horn, braked anyway, started skidding, controlled the skid and cussed like a sailor... and at the last second, that dog rolled ass over teakettle BACKWARDS and just missed being crushed.

I nearly peed my pants and I see that guy giving me the finger. There's a leash law for a reason, you tool.

Anyway, I get to the highway and head north without killing anything, including myself.

I get to the radiology place in springfield finally, slide into a parking spot and walk to the building. No one there. I wait, wait wait. For an hour. I can't get anyone on the phone... I do not want to truck on home, I'm not sure I can GET home. Besides, I also have a gastroenterology appointment later in the afternoon just across the road.

Now, here's TMI. I have had a helluva period since Sunday. Bad. REALLY bad. "I have endometrosis and this is the third post-partum period and you KNOW that ain't good." And I need a restroom like... 5 minutes ago. Plus, I really, really have to pee.

There is a lock on the women's room. DAMMIT. I am the only person in this building. There are no restaurants nearby, nothing. And there is a lock on the loo. Finally, I notice there is NO lock on the men's room. What... somebody might steal the tampons??????????

Well, a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do. It took me about two minutes to decide that I was too old for this crap anyway.

And it was with a pissed-off, TAKE THAT kind of attitude that I chunked the properly-wrapped (while it would have been a Statement to be indiscreet, I was unable to go that far) Feminine Article into the men's room trash. Lock a chick out of the toilet, will you?? Feh. I go back to sulking in the hall.

Finally, a doctor shows up at 11 and crabbily tells me that he was ASSURED that everyone was notified that the office was opening at noon. I assured him that I would not have dragged my sorry ass through the ice and waited for two hours if that were the case. And it was then determined that the nurse accidentally took the pharmacy number home instead of mine. So she called the pharmacy to tell them they were opening late, not me. And I received numerous apologies. And a CT scan. And they turned out to be really nice people, so I was happy.

Anyway, it turns out that I have Pancreatic Insuffiency and we don't know why. I have to have an MRI next and then possibly an endoscopy. Color me thrilled... I have to take pancreatic enzymes every time I eat anything and let me just tell you also that Barium really, really REALLY pisses the pancreas off. Holy shit. I was scoring the pain as a 7 before this... I had no idea. Momma. My pancreas had WORDS for me after the barium and none of them were nice, but boy I heard it loud and clear.

Anyway, the Mayo clinic has this to say about it:
Pancreatic insufficiency typically results from damage to the pancreas. This may be caused by a variety of conditions. The most common causes are cystic fibrosis in children and chronic inflammation of the pancreas (chronic pancreatitis) in adults. A less common cause of pancreatic insufficiency is pancreatic cancer.

Pardon me while I spit coffee everywhere. The doctor asked detailed questions about any history of CF in the family (none) and it was clear that I hadn't had chronic pancreatitis, so we're just gonna currently work with the assumption that I'm one of those odd ducks who just WHAM! gets a pancreatic insufficiency out of the blue, for no reason. Right.

Also, 90% of the information I found for Pancreatic Insufficiency is about DOGS. Go figure.

1 comment:

velocibadgergirl said...

OK, you know I think all the gallbladder stuff is rotten, and I think the snow and ice suck...but that dog? Skating and tumbling? HILARIOUS. And, as always, something that would probably only happen to you. xoxo