Tuesday, July 8, 2008

In Which She Attempts to Channel her Inner Martha Stewart and Winds Up with Jerry Lewis

Since mom has been ill, I've been pitching in by cooking their dinners. It's no trouble, since I find it just as easy to cook for five as three and its especially important as we battle stage 3 cancer, that she keeps to a healthy diet.

Which sets the stage recently for a planned meal of herbed pork loin chops, roasted new potatoes, steamed sugar snap peas and a wilted spinach salad with organic balsamic dressing.

And therein lay my trouble.

Now, mom has allergies to msg and sulfites, so finding a balsamic dressing without them is not an easy task and I was not up to the chore of making one from scratch. (I know. Major demerit on the Martha scale.) But I found one - Annie's Organic - and decided I was good to go.

This was a brand-new bottle, plucked by the store shelf by Yours Truly. Unopened... with a plastic sheath sealing the top of the bottle. This is key.

I think this also what's known as foreshadowing but what the hey. We're going with it.

Anyway, I peeled away the plastic seal and flipped the bottle over to blend the contents as the balsamic vinegar had settled to the bottom. Flip down and flip back up and....

You know, somebody at Annie's Organics bottling plant gets a big fat FAIL in my book. I do not expect to have to check whether the cap of an UNOPENED bottle to see if it is firmly screwed into place. And so it was that as I flipped the bottle upright, the cap flew off and three-quarters of the contents erupted out of the bottle in a balsamic geyser of epic proportions.

The velocity caused the deluge of dressing to kind of spread itself out in midair and it seemed to hang there like something out of The Matrix long enough for me to realize that things were about to get very messy and there was not one dang thing I could do to prevent it.

Time returned to its normal speed as cold vinaigrette splattered onto my head, all across both sides of the kitchen, the stove, down my shirt... there was balsamic vinaigrette in my BRA.

The sound of the splatter drew my daughter and parents out to the kitchen to behold my fragrant disaster. To her credit, my daughter started helping me clean up the mess with just a bare hint of a smirk.

Cooking with Gerbil... kind of like vaudeville dinner theatre.

11 comments:

Betsey Booms said...

Oh no! I hate that split second during a kitchen disaster when you realize what is happening but you can do nothing before the splash.

Catwoman said...

You should sue. Like that lady that almost lost an eye because of the ornament on a Victoria's Secret thong.

giants fan said...

wow--- martha would be proud! :)

a Tonggu Momma said...

You sound like ME in the kitchen!!!

And I have a sulfite allergy, too. Tell your mom I understand! Annie's Organic is a favorite of ours (but not the packaging) for many things, including the balsamic...

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Haha. I sympathise as I am not unfamiliar with culinary disasters myself. However, cheer up as they say; "Laughter is the best medicine."

Suzie said...

Well Im sure it gave you lots to talk about at meal time.

That Chick Over There said...

Oh geesh. This does not surprise me, knowing you the way I do.

:)

Heather J. said...

ahhhhh, the smell.
Gag.

I happen to like Vaudeville, that probably why I like you!

Guinevere Meadow said...

Oh, you poor thing!! I have similar incidents in my kitchen frequently.

It's the thought that counts!!

my4kids said...

Funny but oh something I would do! Seriously though that lid should have been on tight so you shouldn't have had to worry. I'll bet you check all lids from now on right?

Reluctant Housewife said...

Wow. How frustrating. Bad things shouldn't happen to people who are doing good things.

At least it wasn't cold.